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Hi everyone.
Welcome to this episode
of Prideful Connections.
Our guest today is Reverend Elder
Aaron Miller.
So sit back, relax
and enjoy the conversation.
Aaron, how are you?
I'm fine. Blessed.
I'm going to take it over
and give it to Sarah right now to see,
how was the first question?
Maybe you want to start the conversation
off? Yeah.
I mean, I'd love to start
the conversation.
Welcome. I'm so glad that you're here.
Thank you so much for joining us.
I got to meet you officially
for the first time a couple of weeks
ago, and, be at your place of worship.
And I just found it all
incredibly endearing and, joyful.
So I appreciate what you have done
and what you continue to do.
If I could just talk
about that portion of it.
I have a transgender child myself
and, raised
Catholic and had a difficult time
when my child came out.
Because I didn't know where I stood
with God, where I stood with our church.
And it took me quite a while
to realize that it didn't really matter
what church I went to.
It was the same God,
and that I didn't believe
that God would be against what I was doing
for my child as far as saving his life.
So I wanted to talk to you
a little bit about that.
There's a lot of people
that talk about the Bible
and how the Bible goes very against what,
what we do, what I do
to protect my child and very against,
transgender individuals.
And I just wanted to see kind
of where you sat
with that whole, that whole thing,
how you got into what you do.
And, you just a little bit about your,
your history, your story.
Well, that was a big question.
I know, I know.
She's good for that.
Yeah, I know, pick one. Whatever.
Whatever one you want.
Well, being transgender,
of course
I have a passion, for this subject.
And the first thing
my family said to me, one of my family,
said, how can you do this?
Is it against
God's will and changing who you are?
And I knew and.
And I knew then and there that I had
to come up with an answer for that.
You know, because I didn't feel
that God excluded me and at all.
In fact,
my calling was a direct challenge,
if you will, or not a challenge,
but a directional thing from God.
You know that I could stay doing
what I was doing and live
to live secular
and and as a chaplain or as a pastor.
God, when God called me to this God
offered me two ways to go.
I could stay secular, living two different
lives, or I could go into ministry.
But I had to be authentic and minister
in God's name.
That's the only way I could go that path.
So that was always the
the foundation of where I came from.
And so I knew very clearly
I was called ministry,
but it was up to me whether I chose
to change, to be authentic or not.
And I knew
God was fine with me either way.
So you you want to ask something?
I was going to ask
you mentioned the calling twice.
I want you to.
Can you describe
can you describe what that was like?
Because I hear a lot about,
you know, there's a light that glows.
You know, there's a lot,
but I'm sure it's different
for every person
that that's called to do this work.
But what was
what was it exactly like for you
if you want to share that
with our audience? Sure.
I think I was having signs all my life
in some way or another, as early
as I could remember.
I remember God saying, or me
knowing that the house I was growing up
in was not love.
And I knew that before
I even knew what love was.
But I looked around me and I said,
this is not it.
And so love was always at the core
of my life, one way or another.
But as I got older,
I was always very helpful.
And I got to tell you
about social justice.
I'll just tell you this one piece,
because even as a child, I used, pencils
and the pencil cup equally.
And I knew,
you know, like, I didn't want to offend
any one of those pencils.
I wanted them to each other
equal opportunity to participate
and write the things that were on my mind.
That's amazing.
That is brilliant.
Anyway,
but then I came up and I started working
in business, and, you know,
I had 35 years in business.
Very successful.
But people were coming to me,
looking for a chaplain.
And so it came to a point.
And the when 911 happened,
where everybody looked at me
to lead the company through that,
and I thought to myself.
And then we also had three employees die
in that same year.
And everybody looked at me
like, bring us through this.
And so,
so I it was after that experience,
I knew I needed the credentials
to do what I was doing anyway.
So I was going to be a chaplain.
I was never going to be a pastor
and ordination
and all of that really wasn't
my, wasn't really in my purview.
But when I went,
I was accepted at Yale Divinity School
so I could be a chaplain.
And after I was accepted
and at orientation,
they go, you know, you can't be a chaplain
by going through this program.
You know, and that God withheld from me
that I was so that I would go there
so that I would have everything I need
to become the pastor that I am today.
And, and I stayed being a chaplain
at the same time.
But when you ask about,
when did I really know?
Well,
something very phenomenal happened to me
when I went to undergraduate.
I was in my undergraduate and I was at,
Albertus Magnus, and the first class
I took there, a friend of mine said, just
take whatever you really want to take.
Because I was pretty successful
in business.
I had no intention of going into ministry.
And I said, well,
the only thing I'm really interested in
is religion
and world religions in particular.
So she said, go ahead and do that.
That she lives in Stratford.
So I feel like I'm come back home now.
And I lived in Stratford
at that time too.
So I went to Albertus Magnus
and the very first course I took was World
Religions, and I was delighted.
I was sitting there.
And I'm saying,
you know, I've never felt like
the world was right for me
until this very moment.
And this is before transition. Okay. So,
so I sat there and,
professor put up on the up on the board.
He was talking about the root word for,
peace through surrender to God,
which is SLM.
That's the root word in, Aramaic for,
salaam shalom.
Sorry.
Shalom, Salaam.
And those are all the core
and Muslim are all the.
And Islam are all the core Islam.
My initials were SLM at the time. Okay.
So I changed my first name
and now I have al.
But it was SLM to start with.
And in that moment,
everything blanched in front of me.
Everything was white.
I couldn't see anything.
And I looked around.
People were moving around.
It was such an odd experience
because people were moving around
like they never saw it.
And I'm like,
how is everybody just ignoring this?
And and so after the class,
I went up to the professor and I said,
told him what happened.
He goes, you need to go to Yale.
And I said, well, I appreciate that.
That's very flattering,
but I'm not going to Yale.
And he said, no, I'm telling you,
you need to go to Yale.
You will be a walk through
and you need to go through.
You need to go through divinity school.
And I again said,
thank you. And I sat down.
I go, well, that was not helpful, okay.
Because that's not what I was asking for,
you know?
And yet it was that seed that, you know,
when I finished my undergraduate
that led me to apply for Yale,
I was accepted.
And then I went through that program,
and I was,
it was the greatest
four years of my life.
In fact, the admissions, admissions
lady said
she has never seen anybody for four years.
Smile the entire time.
And, I mean, what greatest,
greatest, you know, blessing
could that have been?
But that opened the doors
to the many things that I've done since as
having that credential.
Is that pre transition or pre.
Pre transition. Or pre transition. Yeah.
So so when I was called are I to make
that choice was in my ordination
interview week which is
and which was in Minneapolis Minnesota.
I'm an MCC Metropolitan Community
Church ordained minister.
And they have a week long process of
training and interviewing and all of that.
And then at the end of that,
they decide whether they'll move you
through the ordination.
So I was there for a week,
and when I arrived, I actually arrived
two days late because of a plane,
my plane flight being canceled.
Okay.
And but I walked in
and I saw somebody, two days later,
I hadn't changed my clothing,
said, lost my luggage, okay.
And I walked
in, feeling very left footed.
But I walked into the chapel.
I said, this is the only place
I need to be right now
and to get myself centered.
And someone walked up to me
who I hadn't seen in a number of years,
never expected to see him there.
And he looked at me and he said,
I need to tell you a message from God.
He said,
But I've never had this happen before.
And he started shaking.
He said, God said to tell you that
your prayers will be answered,
but not at all as you expect.
And he started crying
and he started holding me.
And I'm like,
whatever's happening this week.
So by the end of the week,
I knew what it was.
And, and and by the way, that's my
that's my North Star
because all of my prayers are answered
and never, almost never again.
Exactly as I expect. All right.
By that, by the end of the week,
I knew I was
I was,
I was exhausted and I was an imposter.
So you
were internally struggling
with your gender during all of this time?
All my life.
So when you had those, the best
four years of your life at Yale, correct?
I mean, there was still this
just nagging feeling in you.
Of course. It wasn't myself.
I wasn't authentically myself,
you know, and and that's the thing
that I have been striving to do
for as long as I can remember
is to have no lines,
no lines between parts of me.
I want to be all of who I am
all of the time.
And for the first time I am.
And I would tell you, see, you know,
I'm always a show and tell person.
Yeah.
Is that, I am a person of joy
doing okay?
Rock on.
Yeah. Rock on. So.
But this is interesting to me.
So you went for years, you've been
struggling with your gender identity.
You go to this,
you go to Minnesota, right?
For a week or so.
And, and that week, you realize I'm trans
and I need to do something about it
if I'm going to live authentically and
serve God the way God wants me to serve.
Well, what I heard clearly is, is you.
You can be, as I said this earlier,
that you can do what it take
whichever path you want,
but you can't minister in my name
less than authentically who you are.
Because my calling
I didn't know at that time
was this with the transgender community.
And there's no way I could have done that
if I didn't transition first.
So the calling was held from me to go back
and do the work.
And I knew by the end of the week
that I had a choice.
And I went home to divorce my wife.
I came home to, and what ended up to be
a clean slate, you know, I lost my house.
I changed jobs, and I transitioned,
but I've never been happier.
Do you remember the first steps you took
after you realized yourself?
Okay, I need to do this to
who was the first person you told? Like,
how did that happen?
Was it your ex-wife?
Did you come out? Who?
Did you come out as trans first?
Well, it was first with her.
And that was also the need to divorce
and that I was going on this journey.
And do you know her first answer to me?
And I shared this with you. Her first.
Her response to me, not about the divorce,
but about this, was it.
It can be very isolating, this process.
And I've got to tell you something, of all
the things she could have said to me
and at the divorce
didn't come in that same conversation.
I came over and came out to her first,
and she said that and that was so.
And to this day,
she is very we're very close.
And she makes sure I'm not isolated,
you know.
But that was incredible.
Most of the time,
you know, that people say what was
I mean to me, what does that mean for us?
What does that you know,
how does this affect me?
And it wasn't about her.
It was about me
as a first time, unselfishly.
I really heard from her
in that relationship
so clearly, and I needed that.
And the second was my job.
I went into my job and I came out to them,
and I start crying
because I knew I was going to be fired.
And I've been there 19 years,
and I was a senior manager.
I reported to the CEO and what I did
because I was an expert in my field,
and she said, and a woman in an HR said,
why would we fire you?
I said,
because there are no laws to protect me.
And I said,
we have no policy in this company
to protect me, which was the only thing
that was going to save my job.
And she said, well,
then we'll write the policy
and we'll make sure you're protected.
We love you here
and you're not going anywhere.
That and back then, like
the same thing happened to me
when I transitioned on the job in 2005,
it was unheard of that companies
would keep you once you came out.
Right.
But I remember if I can share this,
I remember
I was dating, Kristen at the time
and I went to her house one day and she
said, hey, listen, a friend of mine knows
somebody who knows somebody
whose ex
partner thinks they might be trans
or is starting to transition.
Would you be able to talk to them?
Because that's how it was back then.
There was no organizations.
And it was you. Yeah, it was me.
Yeah. So there were no support groups.
There was nothing on the internet.
There was no anything,
no guidance, no groups, nothing.
And so, Tony agreed to meet with me.
Oh, you have to
you have to sell the Starbucks.
So. So, I got Ahold of Tony, and Tony
was gracious enough to meet with me,
at a Starbucks, which I find out
now was his office, like the Fonz, right?
It was my office
because there was no place else.
That's right.
And so I sat there
and, a side note about me.
I'm late to everything. Okay.
So I was at the Starbucks,
and I'm waiting, and I was so nervous,
but I was so excited
that I was going to be able to,
start my journey with somebody
who was was ahead of me, right.
Could help mentor me
and give me some guidance, which is Tony.
And so I'm sitting there
and I waited 20 minutes and I'm like,
okay, I got to call him.
And so I called you and I said, you know,
where are you?
And you said, well, I'm here home. Why?
And I said,
well, we're supposed to meet today.
You said, that was next week.
So it was a week early.
He was always. A week early.
But I was so excited
I couldn't wait to start.
And that was the first time
I talked about it.
But also, Tony is the first person
that ever said my new name out loud,
introducing me to a bunch of people,
and that was at York Street.
I remember that day like it was yesterday,
because there was about five trans guys
that, well, I mentored every one of you
and everybody was meeting each other
for the first time.
And I remember thinking,
wow, like, we're taking over,
right?
Like we were taking over the bar.
It was just.
But I remember the first time I met you
because you had such amazing energy
and you warmed my heart
and I felt like this.
This is the type of person I want to help.
You know what I mean?
Like,
because you were so you weren't desperate,
but you knew exactly what you needed
and you didn't move through it quickly.
But you will move through it
and a good pace, don't you think?
Oh, yeah.
Because the next was my family.
Yeah.
I gathered them at the Durham fair
outside the pig tent.
Of course, when the. Swine tent, you know.
Well,
they were all together for the first time
and they lived all different places.
And I told them there and I'm like,
who tells?
Comes out at the Durham fair? Okay.
But I figured if they want
to run away from me,
they could go see an exhibit or something.
But anyway,
and the women in the circle were fine.
The men in the circle had a problem, Okay,
so it's interesting,
but neither here nor there.
So I told my job.
They ended up training, and when and and
I was sitting in the front row
and it was called Operation Aaron
because I was going out for an operation.
Okay. Oh my gosh.
So they trained on sexual orientation
as well as, as well as gender identity.
And then at the end of it, I'm sitting
in the front row and, and the woman
who's the director of the department, HR,
she said,
I'm sure you're probably wondering why
we spend an inordinate amount of time
about transgender.
And that's
because I want to introduce you to Aaron.
And I got up and I turned around.
Now the board of directors
were there for a meeting.
At that time, there were 80 employees,
and they all got up and applauded.
They were standing in line to meet me,
and they all,
almost all wanted to say, we love you.
We will stand by you, whatever you need.
Tell me.
So I went out of my surgery, I came back,
my email was changed, my door.
You know, my name on my door was changed
and everybody was really gracious to me.
Gives me the chills.
That gives me the chills.
Because that's what should happen
every time.
Every time, every time.
I can I just.
What how old were you
when you transitioned? 56.
So first 55 years of your life.
What was that like?
It was exhausting.
And then the therapist told me that, too.
He said, you know, when you're going to,
the first thing you're going to feel after
transitioning is, is relief and energy,
because you've been expanding
into play a form or version of yourself.
And so that's that's absolutely true.
I had no idea that when people
said, ladies, we're meeting now
or use the ladies room,
all of that was a mental,
you know, gyration.
And and one of the things that it's like
you had to almost translate, if you will,
everything into gender because it would
didn't come natural to you.
You know, it didn't come natural to me.
So when you said, ladies, I'd say, okay,
the bathroom
and I would have to ignore the sign
and then go in and use the bathroom.
It's like everything
needed a layer of translation for me to
to live in this world.
Every time I got up to, to, get dressed,
I gave the world
as much of a feminine impression
and display as I could mentally.
Well, right.
Mental health. Do it. So.
And then when I,
I thought about this afterwards
because all the pictures of me,
I never, ever looked at me.
I always looked at everyone else,
you know, like, until the transition.
And then I'm sitting there
in front of that picture and I'm going,
oh, my God, you know, the after
the transition, I'm looking at that.
I'm going, oh my goodness, I
oh my God that you, you look good.
You look happy.
You were beaming.
You know, in that picture.
You know I want to I want to
I want to say like I exactly
I mean, I'm almost in tears here
because I know exactly how that feels.
And I don't think people who are not trans
can absolutely understand
that feeling of getting up every day
and being somebody that you're not.
Right.
Putting on a show every day
to make the world accept you.
But once you can get up
and I always say that I'm blessed because
as a trans man,
I can walk out into this world right now.
Me anyway.
And not people say,
oh, that's a trans guy, right?
But to be able to get up,
put any, any clothes
I want on and walk out into this world.
As Tony, it was life changing and life
saving for me was at the same experience.
I think that's what you're saying, right?
Like when you're you were able
just to get up and get out,
like not thinking about bathrooms.
Ladies.
So I remember early on in my transition,
if I was out to dinner or something
and somebody would come and misgender me,
my whole day was ruined.
And it was just it just killed me inside.
Do you remember those?
I mean, I'm just asking, like,
did you experience that too?
Like that
whole misgendering at the beginning.
And because I think some people that are
watching, if they're younger people,
sometimes they go through that
and it's super hard for them.
So how did you handle that
when you were going through it?
I would say the hardest part of transition
is in that in-between liminal stage.
You know, before
you're where you need to get,
you know, and, yes,
it was very painful, but,
somebody said something to me,
one of those guys from that group,
as a matter of fact, said that
every day we worked in an office
which was all men but presenting female.
And at some point
when we were talking about this,
you know, as a group, as a matter of fact,
in my home in Guilford, you know,
he put his head down.
I'll never forget this.
And he said, you know, something
said, every day I walk out
failing as female out of his house.
And that made so much sense to me because.
Because 90%, they say of your language
and you communicate
with people, it's body language.
And if your body doesn't
match the rest of you,
then you're trying to speak in a language
that's foreign.
Yeah.
And so you you realize that
when you walk out, like you just said,
you have every reasonable expectation
of being successful today.
Things are not going to happen always,
but you have a reasonable expectation
that you're going to meet that head on and
and be successful.
Most of the time,
if you're incongruent and
you don't have that same
expectation because you're walking out
failing already.
Yeah.
So I want to touch base on,
something that's happened.
I know you speak publicly.
You're a trainer,
you do a lot of different.
You wear a lot of different hats.
Okay, so do I.
When I remember early
on, actually were showing
a self-made man documentary
and Hartford at Trinity College.
And during the Q&A portion of it,
some somebody jumped up
and they had a flashing cross
on their lapel.
And I said, oh boy,
this is not going to be a good question.
And that that time, as you know, I wasn't
God was a whole
that's a whole other podcast.
But they looked at me and they said,
I just have one thing to say.
This is really a comment, not a question.
God doesn't make mistakes.
And I said, yeah, I know
God made me trans.
Now half the audience
laughed, but I was serious.
We hear that a lot, especially now.
Yes, in this country,
that if you can't, you
can't, support
or believe in transgender people.
If you believe in God,
can you touch base on that?
I would love to hear your views.
I'm sure you've been asked that question
before so.
Many, many times.
So I would say to you
that there is a difference
for me and I'm speaking for myself
here, okay?
In my understanding, in my walk
with God, my spirituality
and my faith is that it says
in, first John, God is love.
I think we can stop there.
Okay.
And religion is very important, obviously,
because it offers, community,
a beloved community,
arguably, is what you
we should be creating in our churches.
But God loves each and every one of us,
created us, each intentionally.
And we are.
And it's not.
It's not just be, but become.
We're always changing.
So to think that God has stopped creating,
you know, like minted you and then,
then stop there and you're God was good.
I mean, as I said in my story,
God invited me to choose a path.
God was fine with me either way,
but allowed me to make a choice
that God could greater use me for people
that, were the people
that you're describing here
that are lost or suicidal.
I was suicidal to him.
I was a cutter.
I understand the pain of this journey.
All right.
But it's not God's
will that we are minted and done.
All right.
And I,
I believe that with my whole heart. So.
So when you use Scripture and, you know,
not to give you Bible 101, but it was
it was written in three languages
and none of them were English.
Right.
And if you speak any other language,
you know,
that's not a one for one translation.
Then you add to
it were doctors and editors and people
that are interpreting, you know,
and everybody's got their own lens
because of their own lived experience.
So how can you possibly sit there and say,
this is what it says?
There is one thing that's very clear.
And Jesus did say when he
when he came here, he said that I because
I asked him what law should we follow
because of 613 Jewish laws?
It was a good question to ask.
And he said, there's only one
I came to fulfill.
You know, the law.
And he said, there and
and then he gets to, he's like me.
I mean, I'm like him in that
I don't just stop with one thing.
You ask me, and then I go off, I think.
So I'm very much following the tradition.
But but he said he said, love God
with all of you.
And the second, second, law like that
or command like that is to love others
as you love yourself.
Now, the the problem I have
and I want to stop for a second here
because the, the issue I have with
that is that we just cut it off with love.
Others like love your neighbor,
you know, love one another.
All of that.
We cut off the like yourself as yourself
as like yourself, which is equal.
And so I spent a lot of time saying,
God wants you to love yourself.
And that should be an equal proportion
to how you love other people.
So if you love other people more,
that's you're off balance.
And if you love yourself
more than other people, you're off balance
and you're not fulfilling the command.
And you know,
what we are doing with religion right now
is we're causing people
not to love themselves.
We're saying, you're not loved,
you're not lovable, okay?
And God doesn't love you.
And it's coming
between God and you, the beloved,
the one that God has created,
that if there was ever a sin.
And I don't use that word
because that's used as a weapon.
But if there is ever a sin, it's
when you stop someone
from loving themselves
or come between God and the one God loves,
or between God and God's beloved
community, you know, and so
and that happens when you do that,
when you tell somebody they're broken,
they're wrong, they're damaged,
and they're not loved.
And you wonder why people become suicidal.
I'm saying you need to find a church,
a different church,
if that's what you're hearing,
because God wants you to be in community.
Jesus, the first thing he did was gather.
12 wanted our chosen
family and a beloved community.
Okay, so if you go by his example,
and certainly there are many people
who espouse Christianity
that are not following his example.
But I would tell you, it's love, I think.
I think that's amazing
because I didn't know that, like
the apostles were
where Jesus has chosen family,
which I as soon as you said, I was like,
wait a minute.
LGBTQ people have been doing that
for years, right?
When our families disown us,
we create our chosen family.
Oh, I think that's amazing.
Jesus said.
Because somebody said, where
is your mother and your brothers now?
Challenging him? Because I did that a lot.
He said, you
who are gathered in the name of God
are my sisters and my brothers
and my mother.
Okay. Chosen family.
Yeah. That's amazing.
I have to tell you,
I could sit here and literally
listen to you for hours, hours
or something.
Very inspiration and educational
about what you're saying.
I do want to talk about something, though.
Having a child
that was suicidal and cutting,
and would continue to tell me
that he wouldn't see his next birthday.
How did you continue
on for 55 years like that?
I think I was
given as a spiritual gift,
the gift of joy.
And so no matter what circumstance I'm
in, I'm able to find something good in it
and something to enjoy that were there
dark, many dark.
And yes, I was suicidal and I cried.
And that was at 16, 17 years old
and I did not want to live.
And why would anybody, you know.
And so I question from the very beginning,
right.
God, why, why or why am I suffering?
So why are you letting me suffer so?
And compounded with that,
my mother was terminally ill,
so she was in a chronic pain,
for 25 years.
Okay, so I was very angry at God
that you allowed me to be in such pain.
And then you gave me a mother in
such pain, and you didn't intervene there.
You didn't intervene with me.
And so I fell away
from absolutely my faith.
God, all of that until I was about 35,
until my mother died.
And she was in the last days
of her life doing a Bible study
in, in a confined to to bed.
She had a bed in the living room,
and she had people gather around that bed
and they were studying the Bible.
And I'm like, how could you?
I'm so angry.
How could you?
And she said, it was this disease
and this pain that saved me
because I was fallen
and way far away from God.
And this brought me to God.
She had visions of Jesus.
She had visions of God and audible,
you know, presentations from God.
And it took me time to realize that that's
what it took for her to find her way.
For me,
it was a different path, all right.
But I would say to you
that as close as I came
to death a number of times,
including my own mother's abuse,
frankly, would,
that was before she became bedridden.
But, she was abusive before that.
But I would say to you that every time
I look at those circumstances,
I was saved, and, I was saved.
I was thrown down the stairs.
And now I will
just give you this one example.
And when I landed, going down the stairs,
I landed feet
first in front of the wall, not headfirst.
And from that day, I knew that she was
dangerous and I would be protected.
Okay, so everywhere in my life
I've seen where God was.
Did I see it that. No.
But I believe that God sent me the people
I always had somebody, an angel,
a somebody that asked me if I was okay
or listen to me or or,
you know, like I had my Nana.
That was my first.
All right.
Who thought I, you know, the sun
rose and set on me, you know so.
Well it does, doesn't. It. Yeah.
Well I don't, I don't
I don't shed a tear very often.
But you, you you're, I really get into me.
Yeah, but what an incredible, amazing,
amazing story and an amazing person
you are to to to build through
all that you've been through
and to be doing so much
for so many right now, which is really.
Yeah. So we have similar histories.
And I of course, denounced God and said,
you know,
whatever, how can you make somebody suffer
that whole thing?
But then I was reminded that my suffering
was for the work I'm doing today.
Do you feel the same way?
Because I to I also want you to talk
a little about TV. 365.
Okay.
To your organization.
Yeah. And I want to make this clear.
I don't believe
God gave me pain to get here.
I believe that the world and certain
people who had a difficult time
hurt me too.
And God used all of that for something
much greater
than I could ever do without it.
So it's everything is knit together for
good, and that's, that's from the Bible.
And I believe that with all of me.
So, no, there's no way.
And again, when I said about my calling,
there's no way I could do the work
I do today if I had not gone through it,
because it gives me the credibility
to meet people where they are
and then feel the bit, I'm an empath.
I was going to feel it anyway,
but now I feel it with my own story.
Okay. And so,
what's that?
You. So you're you're you're
you're the pastor
for, MCC, which we love in Hartford.
But also you're the co-founder of TV3 65,
an organization that falls under MCC.
Can you talk a little bit
about the organization,
what you're doing for our audience?
Because it's really cool.
Yeah.
So TV3 65 stands for Trans
Voice and Visibility 365 days a year.
And it started with, a two hour
trans day of remembrance,
when Regina Dayton and I
looked at each other and said,
you know, death
shouldn't be the only story we talk about.
And so we we, as you know, at that,
we always have what,
what good has happened in the last year
and, and what we're charged
with to leave and,
and move the needle for each of us.
All right.
But, TV3 65, was born of 365 days a year.
Our community needs some help.
There are people in our community
that are the not just lost.
Thank you.
There's something wrong with the village.
Dot dot dot.
Yeah.
There are people that are lost,
but there are people there because we've
pushed people to the outside of the gate,
which is also very biblical.
We pushed all the people, we push
all the people that we demand in that,
that have no value,
not worthy outside the gate.
And so, no housing, no, food.
The people that come to us in TV 365
have absolutely, given no reason to live
because we've made it
incredibly painful and impossibly hard
to get where they want to go.
I had privilege,
and by the way, when somebody asks me
whether, I think God is against me,
I say, then why God?
Why did God pay for it?
And they look at me and I go, what?
That company I was talking about,
they offered me a stay on bonus
because I was senior manager
and that company
was going to file for bankruptcy.
You have to have a core management group
to bring you through.
Had their transition in transition there.
Transition from bankruptcy.
Yeah, yeah. So, so and guess what?
I didn't know how much it was.
I said yes because, you know, I was,
I knew I was needed
because I was the sole provider
within that, organization.
And when they gave me my bonus,
it was almost to the penny.
What I needed for top surgery.
Amazing.
So that's why I said, you know,
I came up with nothing.
So how privileged was I?
I had a company that supported me,
gave me a bonus to pay for surgery.
Right.
And so but I am a very unique story.
Unfortunately, everyone who desires
to become themselves, we should help them.
So. So, always about hope.
Because I truly feel.
And and you've heard me say this before.
When you give somebody hope for a better
life, they won't want to take their life.
It's just been proven
over the years of the work.
What keeps you hopeful right now?
So hope to me is divided
between hope and radical hope.
And I fluctuate between, percentages
of that hope for me
as I know that God is at work.
There's no doubt about this.
And the darker it gets,
and I remind you, it's.
We're at Christmas time.
Every card, every depiction of the Holy
Family is at night.
It's in the dark.
The three Magi, or how many there were.
They travel at night.
They're following a star.
Okay, so we're not new to darkness.
And so whenever there's darkness,
we know that God is absolutely
doing something amazing and miraculous.
Okay.
But,
the other side of it is when this world
and the village get to me,
then I switch over to radical hope.
And radical hope for me is a protest
and a prayer.
You are not going to take my hope from me,
my joy from me, my love for me.
You know, from me you're not.
And if I need to do that in a battle cry,
I will.
And so that's a social justice
piece of me.
So if you're going to try
and take things from me,
all you do is make me go out and work
harder.
Yeah,
because you and I stood side by side.
You and I stood side by side
at the Capitol in 2009.
In 2010,
when we testified to get gender identity
and gender expression
out into the anti-discrimination bill.
That's right.
And we fought for it
then, and we'll fight for it again.
I mean, we know that.
But do you have a message for the young?
See, I think the younger kids, they have
never seen that we've been doing right.
And for them it's like,
oh my God, what are we going to do?
What are we going to do?
I almost sit here sometimes
feeling guilty.
Believe it or not,
that I've had all my documents changed.
I scrubbed my medical history.
I don't have to be out as trans
if I don't want to be out as trans.
So anything that really happens
isn't personally going to affect me, but
it affects my heart because of the work
that I've done for so many years.
What's the message to the trans
and non-binary kiddos
that are sitting out there saying, what?
What are we going to do?
And who's going to fight for us?
Well, we're going to fight for them,
right?
And,
I think the thing that sits with me
about the time
we're in is that there's a line
from a song in Selma,
which is glory,
and it says it will take the energy,
the young people's energy, the wisdom of
the elders and the young people's energy.
And that's exactly the, the,
the holding hands that we need to do,
because they haven't the history
and experience and we do.
We're not going to be necessarily walking
the, the 50 miles to Selma or anywhere.
Right.
But we're going, we're going to help them
organize and,
and to get where they need to go.
And we're going to help them
every inch of the way. Yeah.
And you don't you see, like because I love
when I'm talking to
somebody who is sitting in that space
with me, almost 20 years.
I mean, long time ago, 16 years
we've known each other.
Do you see that
there's so many more allies now,
like you said, there was no support
groups. There was no organizations.
There are so many people,
that showed up for a rally in Hartford.
About a month ago.
There was over a thousand people
that showed up in a weeks notice.
So that's something that brings me joy.
And to be honest with you, that I know
that back in the day there wasn't anyone.
And now there's
a lot of people doing the work.
So I agree, I think we all have to like,
be hand-holding
and knowing that we're going to
we're not going to like, stand in,
like if you're going to ally for
if you're going to be an ally
for the trans and non-binary community,
stand beside us.
And we have to be visible and
we have to be audible,
and some of us can't do that, that's okay.
But I mean, those at a certain age,
but the rest of us should be out
invisible as often as possible.
That's why the ID clinics we're doing,
you know,
we're we're doing them across the state.
I think we have eight of them now
already scheduled
so that people can change their name
and gender, at the clinics.
Is these free legal clinics?
But that to get your document
and I'm doing weddings
or legal recognition of marriage,
at those things as well.
And that's the thing when, when I had a
couple of dark days, very, very dark days.
And then I said.
And then my eyes
adjusted to the darkness again, you know,
my eyes adjusted to see in the dark.
Yeah. So you have to be in the moment.
I think, and what I love about you
is that, you know,
your ministry is definitely your children
and that particular child.
And, as you know.
Right.
One adult reduces that risk by 40%. But
but here's the
thing that even in the darkest of moments
that I had, now that I'm going to say
this to you, I, I'm
the one that equally used the pencils.
Right?
So I'm looking around at my family saying,
I can't do this to them.
As painful as it was for me,
I'm a person
that can't hurt another person.
So that's what really got me through.
So, anyway, and like you said, so the
the more you try to hurt me,
the more work I'm going to do in protest.
So this,
this whole ID project was born of that.
And it happened a couple of days.
And I said, I,
I have to do everything that I can
for the people that need the help.
Yeah.
That's great.
And by the way, we got eight, laptops
donated and two printers
that are portable.
Now, I can go anywhere.
Go anywhere.
I never would have done that
except for the village.
Yeah, and listen, the village is powerful.
And it's.
And it's grown so much over the years.
Yeah, but.
Well, there's a village that may work
against us, but there is a community.
There's a community.
That is going to fight for you
every inch of the way.
And I will tell you about the work I do.
Yes, I will give a, a card for food,
you know, a gift card.
But I want to sit right next to you.
I'm the one that delivers it.
I sit right next to you
because I want you to know you're okay.
You're loved
and now you have a place to reach out to.
You will never be alone again.
I want to tell you,
I remember when. Thanks for saying that.
Because I remember one night,
probably a month ago,
you and I were on a call,
and it was a long day for both of us.
And I said, so, what are you doing?
How are you going
to take care of yourself?
And he said, well,
once I deliver this food
and I have a meal with this person,
then I'm going to go home.
And I was like, wow.
Like it was so woke up from the same cloth
when it comes out to that, because just
just dropping off food to somebody
and leaving doesn't really impact them.
Sitting down with them
and giving them your energy and knowing
that you know they're not alone anymore
can really save somebody,
and not just their life,
but even emotionally,
because people can just be shut down
emotionally when when it's isolating.
Yeah, this this world can be isolating
for a lot of trans
people, especially, our elders for sure.
So I knew that that child, I don't know,
that was a child
at 16
that we hope that family four years ago.
All right.
And that child, we knew was questioning.
And here. So here comes full circle.
Four years later
that that child got in the car,
who's now 19, turning 20 the next day.
And I said, so what name and pronoun
would you like me to use?
And I can't even tell you
how the the whole car lit up.
All right.
Then we went to Walmart, and,
I buy groceries.
You know, we bought groceries
for what they, they needed and all.
And the whole way, they're talking up
a storm and all of that.
And I got to tell you something.
I didn't know whether you know how
this was taken
because, you know, a 1920 year old, right?
We get back,
this person ran up to me and
gave me a hug and said, thank you so much.
But the whole way back
shared their most intimate music with me.
Now, I got to tell you, a teenager,
Gibbs shares their music with you.
It's a big deal. That's big.
Oh, yeah.
Okay, so I'm just saying that I'm tapping
and I'm, you know, and I'm right
getting into it, right?
And so I got the hug at the end and,
and then the person in my church who,
who had referred that family,
she called me after that.
Just what did you do?
And I said, why?
And she said that person, had been in bed
for days,
for days would not come out,
would not talk to anybody
so low and depression
and now is chatting it up with,
their mother,
you know, and chatting it up
and actually called me a few days later
to see if I give a ride to Walmart.
I said, well, I can't make it today.
I said, maybe you're gonna have
to take public transportation.
But but I've stayed in touch.
And that's all people. Need. I just,
I have a question.
There's going to be some random.
But the person that you met in the airport
in Minnesota
that said to you,
I don't know why I have to sit.
In the chapel and.
I'm sorry, in the chapel.
What does that person
do you still stay in contact?
Do they know? But that was it.
That was it.
And that is often how the message is come.
It may be somebody random.
In fact, MCC was started by somebody
who random who came over to our founder
and who was in the emergency department
after attempting suicide because he's gay.
All right.
And, the way I remember him telling this,
she rolled up a magazine
and she hit him in the arm, and she goes,
you need to start a church.
And he looked at her like,
you have lost your your mind, lady.
And he goes, no, I'm not doing that
because he felt
that he had lost everything,
including his relationship with God.
And she hit him again.
She goes, no, you need to start a church.
And he left that day not believing it
and thinking she was nuts.
Right.
And then he went to the bar or wherever
they were gathering,
and a bunch of guys turned to him
and there he goes.
He said something about,
I'm going to start a church.
You know, I think because of this lady.
And the guy said, God doesn't love us,
you know that.
And he looked at him and he said,
yes, he yes, God does.
And it was in that moment
that church was born.
This church was born.
So we are LGBTQ, you know,
we don't need to hang flags, but we do.
My thing about that is, is that
when you come to this church, we are you.
So you can start a spiritual walk.
You know,
you don't have to believe what we believe.
We have.
We've had, we have an atheist
who is head of the board of directors.
We've had Hindu,
we have two Jewish members, I believe, and
and we have people
who are on their journey.
Don't you know,
I don't need you to believe anything
or what anybody else believes.
We're all spiritual drink.
I feel more body side faith
than I do a pastor, which is Buddhist
spiritual director.
Okay.
And so wherever you are on your path,
I just want you to know you're loved,
that I'm doing my job.
Yeah. Okay. And living to the command.
This is great.
Do you have any any last words
you'd like to share with our audience?
Aaron.
You are loved.
You are a lovable, God loves you.
We love you.
And that's actually,
the way we end the service every week.
I think I did that at the studio.
Yeah, yeah. About.
We hug ourselves, and then we open
and give an air hug to everybody
that's there and on zoom.
And so,
we start off by saying we love ourselves.
We are loved by God.
We are loved by others,
and we are lovable.
And sometimes I throw in, actually,
we're very delightful too.
And that makes everybody chuckle.
And then I put everybody in our arms
and we tell everybody
they are loved,
lovable, and God loves them.
And I love you, I love you,
I love you, and I tell everybody,
turn to somebody left or right
and tell them you love them.
And in the beginning
that can be a little awkward.
But the truth of it is you get used to it
because you're loved and lovable.
And once you own that, this world can't.
It's in you.
It's been placed in you
as a spiritual gift.
Well, listen, we love you,
that's for sure.
You do, that's for sure.
But that's the end of our time,
Erin, please come back.
We would love to have you again.
And time and listen, everyone,
thanks so much for tuning
in to Prideful Connections.
See you next time.
We hope you enjoyed this conversation.
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